


carnival of sins

by Livdonna



Category: Sixx:A.M.
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Humor, Anxiety, Best Friends, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Breasts, Buldoons, Carnival, DJ Needs a Babysitter, Dissociation, Drunk DJ, Eating Disorders, Festivals, Friendship, Gen, Grinding, Hiding, Horny DJ, Humor, James Knows French, James is struggling, Mardi Gras, New Orleans, Nikki Is Such a Dad, Panic Attacks, Partying, Recovery, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29544762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livdonna/pseuds/Livdonna
Summary: “Seriously... That’s the reason why you want to celebrate Mardi Gras?”Nikki is rolling his eyes at DJ like a wise father who’s had to put up with his child’s antics for way too long.  The relationship between those two just never gets old.  They’ll always be heckle and jeckle.“To see topless women?!”
Comments: 10
Kudos: 5





	1. Laissez Les Bons Temps Rouler!

**Author's Note:**

> Since it was Mardi Gras the other day, I had this idea come to me at work while watching the news... I thought to myself, wouldn't it be funny to write a Mardi Gras story with the boys... DJ being the enthusiastic dude he is would be super pumped to celebrate it, and he would try to convince Nikki and James to join him.
> 
> This takes place in the "relief" AU - James is out of eating disorder treatment and touring again, but the idea of being in huge crowds / having people recognize him still get him nervous... and festival foods... of course.
> 
> I had a lot of fun writing this; i usually write mostly angst, but this definitely is a nice balance between angst and humor, and i'm happy with how it came out. it's VERY long, so i decided to split it up into TWO parts on here! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

**DJ’s POV:**

You know what I love the most about touring, besides the music? The different _cultures_. I’m an explorative dude, and I always get really fuckin’ excited whenever I get to check out new cities and crash crazy parties that I’ve never crashed before. I just can’t help it! It’s fuckin’ awesome!

We’re in New Orleans right now... In fact, we just had a show here last night... I’m super fuckin’ pumped because I’m not sure if Nikki and James know that today is Fat Tuesday!

Today is fuckin’ _Mardi Gras!_

I’ve never been to a Mardi Gras celebration before and I can’t even think of a better day to do it than today! We’re already in the infamous New Orleans, and it’s our day off! What else would we do today?!

I’ve heard so many awesome things about these celebrations, and I’ve been wanting to visit here to be part of them forever. Apparently tons of parades go on the entire day, and there’s these killer floats with people dressed in costumes throwing beads around at people! I’ve heard a rumor that sometimes women flash their tits while standing over the old balconies of the French Quarter... 

I’m not gonna lie. I’d do anything to see _that._ I mean, come on! Who _wouldn’t?!_

I really freakin’ hope James and Nikki are game with this idea. If they agree it’ll be such an awesome day... I haven’t even asked them anything and I’m already feeling adrenaline rush through my veins. Everyone knows I’m a kid at heart and that I’m the party animal of the band.

They _gotta_ agree with me.

~ ~ ~

**JAMES’S POV:**

“ _Mardi Gras?”_

I’m staring at DJ’s excited face with a sense of slight dread... I wish that I was as willing to party and celebrate as he is, but everyone knows that I’m a big introvert. I can’t help but feel uncomfortable uneasiness creep through my body.

“Yeah! Come on, James! It’s _Fat Tuesday—“_

The look of exuberance in DJ’s eyes is making me feel so guilty. I hate being the person who constantly disappoints people and brings the mood down. I don’t want to be that person today... I really don’t, but I’m just nervous. I’m nervous because I know how big crowds make me anxious, especially when I’m in a city where I’m recognized.

I shake my head and sigh, as I give DJ a genuine smile. 

“I know, man...”. I close my eyes. “I just... I don’t know...”. My brows furrow as I try to formulate a coherent response without making myself look like a pathetic mess. “You know I usually just hang out alone on my days off—“

“You hang out alone _every day_ , James.”

My head snaps at Nikki’s voice. I almost didn’t realize that he’s been in this room with the two of us. He’s giving me a _‘come on, James... quit the bullshit’_ expression; an expression that I’ve become way too familiar with.

“It’ll be good for you to get out for a little bit. I know isolating is your norm, but you never know what you might miss if you don’t step out of your comfort zone...”

Nikki’s words hit me like a pile of bricks on my chest. He’s absolutely right, and I hate that I know he’s right. Isolating is _safe_ ... Exposing myself to the public is _not_.

I can’t even say anything before DJ beats me. He’s leaning his face extremely close to me, and I can’t help but slightly back away. His enthusiasm is extremely intense right now.

“Don’t lie, James.... I _know_ you wanna see some _topless_ women...”

_“DJ!”_

Nikki flicks him in the head and DJ backs away from me with a look of dramatic surprise. He puts a hand on his chest to feign disbelief. I can’t help but shake my head and snicker.

“Seriously... _That’s_ the reason why you want to celebrate Mardi Gras?” 

Nikki is rolling his eyes at DJ like a wise father who’s had to put up with his child’s antics for _way_ too long. The relationship between those two just never gets old. They’ll always be _heckle and jeckle._

“To see _topless women?!”_

DJ doesn’t seem too fazed by Nikki’s exasperated reaction. He just shrugs his shoulders at him and smirks. I’m still shaking my head in humorous disbelief. I should be used to things like this from DJ by now. I really, _really_ should.

“You know there’s way more to it than women flashing for beads, right?”

My eyes are narrowed as I speak with suspicion in my voice. It’s hard to not laugh, but I’m trying to be as serious as I can. DJ makes that task _extremely_ difficult.

“Of course I know that, doofus!”

A wide grin spreads across his face, as he ruffles my _bed head_ of hair. I let out a snicker as DJ starts spitting out jubilant remarks about everything awesome that Mardi Gras will bring us.

“There’s fuckin’ awesome costumes, and floats, and _food!_ ” His eyes are wide, and they look like they’re about to pop outta his sockets any second now. He shakes his head. “Oh man, don’t get me started on the killer gumbo and jambalaya... How can anyone fuckin’ resist that shit?! I’ll be chowin’ down like a salivating puppy—“

Nikki lets out a loud cackle, and I turn my head to him, as we exchange eye rolls. DJ is amusing the shit outta me right now, but the mention of _food_ is really hitting a nerve. I’m not an idiot... I know that I have to eat, but I have no freakin’ idea what kinds of food are served during Mardi Gras... I can only imagine that it’s the shit that I’m terrified of; fried chicken, beignets, hush puppies, gumbo... _Comfort_ foods. 

We’re in the south. They’re _known_ for comfort food.

I turn my head back to DJ and close my eyes for a moment, before I feel composed enough to smile at him. My voice is soft and unsure.

“Look, man, I know you love your food, alright...”. I bite my lip out of uneasiness, and I feel hesitant to be honest, but I force myself to just say it. “But, like... That’s _kinda_ what I’m nervous about...”

I feel like such an ass for opening up, but I just need to be honest. The two were probably expecting me to say it anyway, and I should at least prepare them for it if we do end up actually going.

DJ doesn’t look upset at all. In fact, his face is full of understanding. The smile hasn’t disappeared, so I guess that’s a good sign. Like I said, he probably expected me to mention my anxiety about the food anyway...

“I’m sure there’ll be food that you’re comfortable eating, James.” 

Nikki puts a hand on my shoulder and smiles at me, but I can’t help but feel guilt eating at me. Neither one of them are mad at me, but I feel like they _should_ be. “Not everything is fried dough and covered in powdered sugar... I promise.”

_I wish I could believe that... I know you’re probably right, but it’s hard to think rationally right now..._

A sigh escapes my lips and I force myself to nod my head. Nikki lets go of my shoulder and looks at DJ, who still has the excited childlike grin pasted on his face.

“Sooo... What do ya say, James?” 

He raises his eyebrows at me, and wiggles them in a humorous manner.

“You down or not?”

There is piercing silence following his question. I can’t get myself to answer because all I hear is my brain shouting at me.

_If you fucking say yes, you’re gonna regret it so much! Don’t make an impulsive decision, James! You know how your brain works. You make decisions without thinking and then things go to shit! Don’t do it! Stay safe! Nothing will happen if you stay in your hotel room like you usually do—_

I start playing with my hands out of anxiety as the calm, rational side of my mind creeps in. That voice is always soothing and clear headed.

_You don’t know that anything bad will happen. It’s normal that you feel a little nervous about this, but that’s because you hardly ever go out in crowds, but remember what Nikki said... You might miss something awesome if you don’t step out of your comfort zone... Honestly, James, what’s the worst that can happen if you say yes?_

_Are you seriously asking me that question?! What’s the worst that can happen?! Are you kidding me?! A TON! Okay, for one, the fuckin’ food situation is gonna be disastrous, and I don’t think I need to go into details about that! Number two; do you know how many people are gonna recognize me in that crowd?! I can’t fuckin’ be seen! You know I fuckin’ hide all the time and it’s for a good reason—_

I feel someone squeezing my shoulder and I realize that it’s Nikki. My heart is beating out of my chest, and I try my best to resist the urge to pull away, as I turn my head towards him. He is giving me an expression full of compassion and empathy.

“I know you’re anxious, James... It’s okay to be nervous...”

_Wow Nikki! I’m anxious?! No fuckin’ shit!_

I try my best to shake away my panicked sarcastic thoughts, as I take the deepest breath that I can _._ I wait a few moments that feel absolutely excruciating before I force myself to spit out an answer to DJ’s question.

“Yeah... I’m down.”

A paste on a smile that I hope looks genuine, as I see DJ grinning from ear to ear. His hands are up in an intense victory pose and I just shake my head at his antics.

“FUCK YEAH!”

He looks so satisfied with my answer but he doesn’t know how terrified I feel. I can’t let him down now... I’ve done that enough already.

“You are _not_ gonna regret this, dude!”

He’s shaking his head with excitement as he comes up to my face and ruffles my hair.

“This is gonna be fuckin’ _awesome!_ ”

Despite my intense uneasiness and urge to change my mind, I pat DJ on the shoulder and give him a playful smirk.

_I really hope so, DJ... I really do, but I don’t have a good feeling about this..._

_Please prove my brain wrong._

~ ~ ~ 

**DJ’s POV:**

I’m so fuckin’ happy that James is agreeing to come celebrate Mardi Gras with me and Nikki. You have no fuckin’ idea how happy I am about it.

I thought he was gonna say no, and I realize that I would have had to deal with that if he did. I would have been disappointed because I hate to think of him missing out on something so cool, but he didn’t! He said _yes!_

He said yes, and the three of us are on our way to the festivities right now. I can’t even express how fuckin’ excited I am. I’ve been looking at a Mardi Gras pamphlet the whole time we’ve been on here, and all of the pictures inside of it are getting me so pumped!

“This is fuckin’ _awesome!_ ”

I don’t even resist my urge to blurt out my enthusiasm. I can’t control myself. I mean, how the _hell_ can I?! The adrenaline that’s running through my body is making me want to bounce off the walls. I feel like a little kid who just got told that they could have unlimited ice cream for a full week. I’m vibrating with pure ecstasy, and I have no shame about it.

Nikki and James are both giving me such skeptical expressions, but do they really think I’m gonna _tone it down_ right now?! Hell no! I’m the one who came up with the idea of coming here in the first place. I have _every_ right to be bursting with happiness. 

“Dude... We haven’t even gotten there yet!”

I can tell that James is trying to not laugh at me right now. He’s doing the best he can to keep a straight face, but it’s not gonna last long. I just _know_ it.

“Yeah, so what?!” I wiggle my eyebrows at him, and he nudges me in return. I snicker. “The more anticipation, the better, right?”

I smirk as I resume exploring the pamphlet. My giddiness is increasing with every minute that passes, and I just want to fuckin’ get there already!

“Just so you know, DJ... Your lady friends only stay in a certain part of New Orleans...”

I lift my head from the paper at Nikki’s voice. The smirk he’s giving me is so big right now and I just want to flick that fucker so badly.

“Don’t expect to come face to face with them the second that we walk outside!”

“Ha!” I shake my head with a sly expression on my face. “You’re funny, _dad—“_

I can’t even say anything else before the bus we’re on comes to an abrupt halt. I can feel my heart skip a beat because... Oh _fuck yeah!_

_We’re here._

My legs are bouncing up and down with so much energy, and I don’t even try to stop myself. James is grinning at me, and I feel his hand around my arm. Before I know it, he pulls me up into a standing position, and we start walking off of the bus, with Nikki trailing behind us.

“ _Laissez les bon temps rouler!”_

I turn my head to the bus driver in slight confusion when I hear the French words come out of his mouth. I tilt my head and smile. I’m slightly embarrassed about now knowing what the fuck he just said, but how am I supposed to know?

I’m not _James._

“It means, _let the good times roll_...”

I catch James smiling at me from my peripheral vision and I immediately blush a little. My head nods in understanding, as I give the driver a big smile. The three of us wave before stepping off the bus.

The second that my feet make contact with the concrete of the sidewalk, my body freezes in pure mesmerization.

Everything looks exactly the way the pictures looked, but _better._ The buildings around me have a gothic look to them, and that’s fuckin’ awesome. There are beads hanging off of the balconies of every brick building, in the colors of purple, green, and gold. I always knew that Mardi Gras had certain colors, but I don’t know what they mean...

I have no idea what part of New Orleans the bus left us at, but I can hear loud music blaring. The sound of trumpets and jazz instruments are reverberating through the city street. We haven’t even started walking yet, and I can already tell that this is one hell of a festival. I can see huge parade floats in the distance, and the people inside look like they’re wearing fuckin’ elaborate costumes. Costumes with feathery masquerade masks, and beaded necklaces. The smell of spicy jambalaya and Cajun dishes are filling the air around me...

There’s so much that I want to say, but I can’t get the words outta my mouth. This feels like a dream come true.

I realize I still haven’t moved from my spot in the middle of the sidewalk. Nikki and James look like they’re taking in the atmosphere around them too. I wonder if they’re just as pumped as I am right now.

“You excited, D?”

I turn my head at James’s warm voice. He’s giving me a smile, as Nikki pats my shoulder in a fatherly manner. I feel like I’m in some sort of fantasy land. Everything feels so floaty; like I’m on cloud nine.

“You... You have no _fuckin’_ idea...”

The words slip outta my mouth so smoothly, as I continue to take in my surroundings. 

_The buzz of the crowded city streets..._

_Colorful beads being thrown in the air..._

_Gothic architecture and stone buildings..._

_The smell of fresh Cajun food..._

_Elaborate parade floats..._

_Intriguing Vegas style costumes..._

_Rowdy cheers from the parade goers..._

_The list can go on and on and on..._

I have no idea how long I stare at everything, but the only reason I stop is because I feel someone squeezing my shoulder. I slowly turn my head to my side and see James.

“Come on, buddy.” 

He winks at me.

“Time to fuckin’ celebrate.”

~ ~ ~ 

**JAMES’S POV:**

We’ve only been here for about forty minutes and I’m already starting to regret my decision to come... I feel like an ass for even thinking this, but I can’t help it... 

Being in crowds is so uncomfortable for me. _Yes_ , I perform, and _yes_ , I’ve gotten more comfortable opening myself up but for some reason, today just feels really hard. I didn’t realize how hot it was gonna be today, so I wore my tank top with layers over it, but _fuck_... I know I’m gonna need to eventually take the jacket off, but I don’t want to think about that. 

I don’t want to _expose_ myself any more than I need to right now.

I’m just feeling extra vulnerable today. I usually do when I’m out in the open but today is tougher than usual. I’m not gonna lie and say that I don’t know why... Things have been a little tormenting with the somatic flashbacks lately, so I’ve been waking up every day feeling _yucky_ and defective... I had to make a bigger effort than usual to remain calm and nonchalant during last night’s show. I know from my months of treatment that my body dysmorphia gets worse when I’m struggling with _deeper_ things; the things that I don’t want to work through; the ones that I used my addiction to numb out from.

I _know_ it’s normal, but I hate it.

I’m really trying my hardest to push all of my discomfort away so I can enjoy the atmosphere we’re in. I gotta admit, it’s really freakin’ cool being here. I’m uneasy, but I’ve never seen anything like this before.

The parade floats are truly amazing to look at. All of them are different shapes and colors, and every single person riding one is wearing an elaborately crafted masquerade mask. I wonder how long it took these people to make the costumes... Must have taken an eternity.

Almost every street that we’ve passed so far has been crowded with people cheering and screaming at the parade floaters. I keep on hearing roars of “ _Throw me somethin, mista!”_ , and I’ve come to discover that’s what you’re supposed to scream to get beads thrown at you. Apparently that’s a huge Mardi Gras tradition. The people in the parade floats will throw things like colored beads, trinkets, toys, stuffed animals, and buldoons at the crowds on the street. We’re supposed to try to catch as many _throws_ as we can. In fact, we each have a bag that we can hold everything in... I have a feeling that they’re gonna fill up very quickly.

DJ already has about ten beaded necklaces wrapped around him, and he looks like an enthusiastic kid. I’m wearing a few beads myself... 

Speaking of DJ... The dude has been beaming with pure exuberance since we’ve gotten here, and I can’t help but grin when I see him taking in everything around him. He’s been smiling the whole time so far and it makes me happy knowing that he’s enjoying himself. I’ve always loved DJ’s childlike heart. The fact that he’s comfortable being himself without limitations is something that most people can’t do... Myself included.

“Ohhhh yeah, baby....”

I let out a cackle as DJ’s mouth salivates at the sight of his spicy shrimp jambalaya. The dude has been wanting to get this since the minute we got here, so I know for a fact that he’s completely satisfied right now. The way that he’s staring at the creation in front of him is cracking me up. It’s like he’s never seen Cajun shrimp and rice before...

“Let’s dig into this—“

As DJ starts chowing down in the middle of the _banquette_ , I can’t help but wish that I wasn’t so freaked out by the idea of festival food... I miss being able to eat whatever the hell I want without a care in the world. Sure, I’m in recovery and I’m doing a lot better than I was months ago, but things are still tough. I know recovery isn’t linear, but it’s so frustrating that I can’t enjoy little moments like these in a carefree way.

Instead of joining DJ in his jambalaya loving exuberance, I’m standing here nervous as fuck wondering if anyone here recognizes me... and if they do, what do they think when they see my... my... _healthier_ body...

“Hey! Get your own, _dad._ ”

DJ’s voice snaps me out of my head for a second, and when I look at him, I see him giving Nikki a death glare. Nikki has his hands up in a defensive posture... He must have tried to steal some of the food... 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being friends with DJ, it’s this.

You do _not_ take his food.

“You’re a piece of work...” Nikki is shaking his head at him like a disappointed parent, but that doesn’t stop DJ from smirking at him like a mischievous child. In fact, he looks like he’s about to do something really outrageous.

“Oh....” His eyes narrow. “Am I now?”

I can’t even blink before a spicy shrimp is flung at Nikki’s face. A snicker escapes my lips immediately and I don’t even pretend that I’m not finding this hysterical. Nikki is shaking his head with a sly expression on his face, and before I know it, the two are having a Cajun shrimp battle... and I’m just in the middle of it.

“You’ll never defeat me, Nikki!” DJ is roaring in a fake barbaric voice, as he continues to fling spicy jambalaya at his face like a five year old. “I am the _MOHAWK KING—“_

I think the funniest part about this whole thing is that it’s happening right in the middle of a freakin’ crowded sidewalk, and no one is fazed by any of it.

Honestly, everyone here is probably too drunk to recognize what’s going on. I do know that Mardi Gras is a huge drinking festivity... 

As I continue maneuvering through the crowd of cheering people, with _heckle and jeckle_ engaging in their antics, I can’t help but wonder if this is drawing more attention to myself... I hate that I’m so fearful of people knowing who I am. I shouldn’t be so uneasy about it, but it’s bothering me.

It’s really, _really_ starting to get to me.

The only thing that’s keeping me at some kind of ease is having my sunglasses on. They always feel like some sort of protective wall, no matter where I am or what situation I’m in, if I have them with me, I feel a tiny bit safer.

I just hope that they keep doing their job... 

~ ~ ~ 

I wish I could say that things have been getting easier the longer that I’ve been in this crowd, but that would be a big _lie._

I’m just feeling _worse_.

The cheers of the people around me are just getting extremely overwhelming and I’m starting to feel suffocated. I don’t know if it’s all mind over matter or not... Maybe it’s because of the heat. I know that’s my own fault for not taking my layers off but I just can’t do it! I’m too uncomfortable to walk around in just my white tank top. My body is already feeling unsafe right now and I’m not even looking at it. It’s the sensations I’m having that are freaking me out. They’re not the somatic ones; they’re the ones that remind me that I’m connected and stuck to my body... The body that I wish I could escape and disconnect from.

“James...”

I can vaguely hear someone calling me but it’s blending in with the blaring music and roars from the screaming parade goers. All I see around me are colorful beads being thrown in the air, and all I smell is the rich, warm, comfort food...

“I think you should take that jacket off, dude.”

_Excuse me?_

_No god, fuck no!_

I snap my head around to DJ. His expression is full of uneasiness, and Nikki is giving me the same expression. I just feel a pit in my stomach. They don’t fuckin’ know how much I need to cover up. They have _no_ fuckin’ idea.

“It’s gettin’ _really_ hot... I don’t want you to overheat—“

_Oh here we go..._

Nikki’s using his fatherly tone of voice and all that does is make me want to crawl away and hide even more. I realize that he’s not talking loud enough for anyone to hear this conversation, but I’m still paranoid that more attention is being drawn to me. 

_They’re too distracted and drunk to notice, James... It’s fine. Calm down..._

That doesn’t stop me from shaking my head quickly and letting a slightly nervous laugh escape my lips. 

“Oh, no... No, I’m fine!” I smile widely, even though I feel like I’m dying inside. “I’m not that warm—“

I’m trying so hard to gravitate away from this topic but I’m smart enough to know that Nikki isn’t gonna let up. He probably sees through everything I’m saying, so why am I even surprised right now? You know, what? Maybe I’m not surprised. I just want to pretend that this isn’t happening right now.

“James...” He lets out a sigh, and squeezes my shoulder, as a rush of screaming people pass us. “You don’t need to lie—“

“I’m not—“

I can’t even say anything else before I feel more people rubbing against me. An uncomfortable sensation swims through my entire body and I squeeze my eyes shut, attempting to look normal. I know this is a typical thing that happens when you’re in a crowded area, but getting my body touched by people I don’t know really makes me feel _unsafe_.

I can tell that Nikki senses my discomfort because he’s starting to massage my shoulder in a soothing manner. I’m so embarrassed right now. I shouldn’t be reacting this way to something like this.

Why can’t I be like DJ?

The dude is so carefree and enthusiastic. He doesn’t worry about any of this shit! He’s able to navigate large crowds like they’re his house and he doesn’t think twice before he chows down on gumbo or jambalaya or hush puppies. I wish I could be in his head space. I admire people who can be spontaneous and have no inhibitions.

“I know you’re uncomfortable right now, but you’re doing great...”

My body stiffens up at Nikki’s gentle tone. He’s being so nice to me but I’m probably embarrassing him _and_ DJ, although I’m not sure if DJ is even paying attention. He looks very invested in trying to catch as many beads as he can from the people in the floats. He looks like such an excited kid right now.

“Thanks...”

I don’t take my eyes off of DJ as I answer Nikki. My voice is soft and hesitant; the absolute opposite of DJ’s exuberant roars.

“FUCK YEAH! These beads are _killer—“_

Although we’re in the biggest crowd of people, DJ is loud enough to break through the rest of the screams around me. He’s running over to me and Nikki now with a huge handful of beads in his hands. I can’t even do anything before he puts five necklaces around my neck.

“Gotta spruce yourself up, buddy!” The smile on DJ’s face is full of satisfaction as he ruffles my hair. “You look _dope_.”

I catch Nikki giving him a flick in the head, as I feel my body tingling with continued nervousness. Eventually, the three of us start walking down the streets again, doing our best to maneuver through the rowdy crowds. I keep on getting scared that I’m gonna get hit in the head with a trinket or something. You should see the way that people pounce for what’s being thrown in the air. 

It’s like survival of the fittest.

“I don’t know ‘bout ya, but I can use some more fuckin’ _jambalaya—“_

DJ’s giddy enthusiasm snaps me out of my thoughts for a second. My heart is starting to beat a little faster. Every time food is mentioned, I feel myself crumbling more and more inside. I haven’t eaten anything yet, and I’m not looking forward to being confronted about it. I close my eyes from underneath my sunglasses, as I hear Nikki answer DJ with a tone of skepticism.

“You’re not sick of that yet?”

“What?! _NO!”_

I snap my eyes open at DJ’s tone of disbelief. I’m starting to feel a little lightheaded and I know it’s from my anxiety. I could swear I feel my clothes starting to stick to me... _Fuckin’ heat..._

“You already had _three_ orders of it.”

“They weren’t full orders considering how much shrimp you stole from me each time!”

I can’t do anything but just shake my head at the ridiculous banter between the two, as I force myself to continue walking through the crowd, feeling nothing but pure discomfort and uneasiness. I’m trying so hard to act like I’m not feeling trapped right now... I just wish I was fuckin’ normal.

How _hard_ is that to ask for?!

“James... You haven’t eaten yet. Do you wanna try something?”

My heart immediately skips a few beats when I hear Nikki mention eating. I blink a few times and that’s when I see that we’re right in front of a restaurant. When the _hell_ did we even get here?

My hands are slightly trembling and I feel a bead of sweat dripping from my forehead, but I try my best to ignore it. DJ is right in front of me, holding another order of spicy shrimp jambalaya with a side of _hush puppies._

“Uhhh...” I cringe when I hear the uneasiness in my voice, but hide it the best that I can, as I shake my head. “I’m good, thanks—“

“I don’t think so.”

Tension fills my shoulders when I hear DJ. He’s giving me a suspicious look, and even though I know he’s been having the time of his life today, I still know that I’m worrying him... Fuck... 

I’m such a _dick._

Shame begins to flood me as I take a deep breath, letting my body feel every ounce of discomfort that I want to push away. 

“You don’t have to eat the rice, dude... Just try a few shrimp or something... You gotta have _something—“_

_No! No, I don’t, DJ! Stop saying that! You have no idea why I can’t! Stop fucking acting like it’s that easy! Just STOP—_

I don’t need to turn my head to know that Nikki is squeezing my shoulder now. I feel like I’m getting backed into a corner even though that’s not what’s happening. This is so overwhelming.

Why the _fuck_ did I decide to come here in the first place?!

“I promise I’ll eat something later, alright?” I quickly pull away from Nikki’s grip, but smile at him, trying to be as reassuring as possible, even though I know I’m probably failing miserably at it. My heart is racing now, and the heat is filling my body more every minute that passes.

“You gotta at least drink some water or somethin’ then...”

DJ sounds really fuckin’ concerned and I hate myself for this. The dude was having such a good time, and here I am _ruining_ it for him. I’m a piece of shit—

“Seriously, dude...” 

His eyes look wide and childlike, almost like a lost puppy. Guilt is eating away at me and the panic inside of me is increasing. I’m starting to feel like I could break down at any moment now.

_Don’t you DARE drink any water right now! You already feel so fuckin’ unsafe in your body and you haven’t had anything yet! It’ll only get worse if you chug liquid, James! Don’t do it—_

“I’m not thirsty... I’ll have something later.”

_Wow... Think of any other excuses?! The “I’ll do it later” is really gettin’ old, ya know! You’re acting like you’re so fuckin’ suave. You know everyone sees through you so maybe you should just admit that you’re a fuck up who’s fuckin’ scared to drink anything because your body is betraying you! Just be honest instead of spitting out pathetic amateur lies! You’re a fuckin’ idiot and Nikki and DJ shouldn’t even be staying with you right now—_

“No, James.”

My racing thoughts are cut off by Nikki’s voice. He’s giving me a fatherly look full of seriousness and concern. Both of his hands are on my shoulders now.

“It’s sweltering out. You _need_ to hydrate.”

_No, I don’t need to hydrate! I don’t need to do anything! I don’t need to do anything but get the fuck away from here! I can’t fuckin’ do this right now—_

“I’m not a child, Nikki...” I force a smile, as I shake his hands off of me, while feeling my breathing quicken. “I promise I’m okay.” My head shakes urgently as I snap my gaze towards the _flambeaux_ in the middle of the street. I point to the huge lit fire torches, as I feel a wave of dizziness swim through me. “Let’s just enjoy this—“

I start walking through the crowd quickly, with DJ and Nikki following from behind. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t focus on my surroundings anymore because I’m really starting to feel anxious. I don’t feel right. I’m feeling lightheaded, and nauseous, and fatigued. I know it’s because I’m refusing to eat or drink but I just can’t do either of those right now! It’ll make everything _worse._

_“Mais, Cher!”_

I suddenly feel someone rubbing against me in the crowd as I continue moving, hoping that the touch was just a quick brush of trying to get past people.

_“Sixx: AM! No fuckin’ way—“_

To my horror, this isn’t just someone trying to push past the crowd... I feel my whole body freeze up internally. I swear to god, I feel like I might throw up. 

Nikki and DJ are giving huge smiles to this fan, who is covered in a ridiculous amount of colored beads, boas, and gold coins. I do my best to smile as genuinely as I can, while reaching a hand out to the guy, allowing him to shake it.

_“Welcome to Vieux Carre’”_

I can hardly hear what he’s saying to us, but I’m trying to hide what’s going on... I don’t know how I’m managing this. The guy has no idea how I feel like I’m starting to dissociate and how my body is tormenting the _shit_ outta me.

I have no idea how much time has passed... I don’t know much of anything. I just know that I feel like I’m trapped in a terrifying kind of _hell_ ... I’m surrounded by a rowdy crowd, and rustic gothic buildings, and fire-lit torches, and elaborate beads getting thrown in the air, and the nauseating smell of _food—_

“ _DUDE!”_

_“James!”_

Something inside of me gets me to snap out of whatever dissociative state my brain is in for a second... I don’t even realize that we’ve made it to the French Quarters, until DJ starts tugging at my arm like a five year old.

“Look at this! It’s a fuckin’ _voodoo_ shop!”

DJ is pointing excitedly at the sign on the street, but I can’t pay attention to what he’s saying. I’m too freakin’ anxious right now. Everything is escalating way more than it has been this whole time and I feel fuckin suffocated. My whole body feels wet with sweat, and since it’s wet my clothes are sticking right to me, and that’s making me more aware that I have a body, and fuck!

I don’t want a body!

I don’t want a fuckin’ body right now!

I want to be _invisible._

_“Do you think Stevie Nicks does voodoo?”_

I hardly feel my body getting dragged into the crowded shop, and all the sounds around me are feeling very blurred. I know DJ and Nikki are both with me but I can’t make out their faces clearly. Everything around me looks like foggy splotches of color. My ears are starting to ring.

_“You could probably summon Rhiannon with some of this shit.”_

My eyes feel glazed over, and my body is almost feeling disconnected from me... It’s what I wanted but I’m freaked out. I’m spacing out but I’m still terrified. I fuckin’ _hate_ this.

_“James?”_

_“Hey, dude... You with me?”_

_“James...”_


	2. Beaucoup Crasseux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Man... What I’d do to grind on that...”
> 
> I snap my eyes open at DJ’s sensual voice. Nikki is rolling his eyes at him, but honestly, I can’t even help but laugh right now. I shake my head.
> 
> “Beaucoup crasseux.”
> 
> The words slip from my tongue naturally, and I’m not even pretending that I don’t see DJ giving me a very confused look. Confusion mixed with mesmerization. I know he loves when I speak French. I look down and laugh to myself, knowing very well what I just said.
> 
> “What does thatttt mean?”
> 
> “It means very dirty...” I eye DJ and smirk at him, pointing to his head. “Like your freakin’ mind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second half!!
> 
> Enjoy !

**DJ’s POV:**

I gotta be honest. 

I’m having the fuckin’ time of my life right now, and I’m so glad that I’m finally able to celebrate fuckin’ Mardi Gras, but I’m feeling a little uneasy.

I know that James was nervous to come here from the start, but I was thinking that overtime he would ease up a little bit. I was wrong and now I feel like an asshole for basically persuading him to come here. Rationally I know that it was his choice to join us, but James is a fuckin’ people pleaser so he probably just said yes because he didn’t want to upset me, and I fuckin’ hate that.

I hate that the guy doesn’t feel like he’s allowed to make his own decisions based off of what he feels... He always gives in to what other people want, even if it’s detrimental to his well being. Sure, I did convince him because I know it’s good for him to get out in the open every once in a while, just like Nikki tells him, but I feel so bad. It’s been so obvious this whole time that he’s in a bad headspace, and I guess he just reached his breaking point.

_ “I gotta piss! I’ll be right back, alright? Just gonna find a bathroom—“ _

He said he just had to use the bathroom, but I know him better. He probably wanted to escape from all the stimulation. It’s insane... I’m a person who  _ needs  _ all of this energy around me to survive, but James is different. He feels safe being locked up in a box of isolation and darkness... 

I’m not sure how long he’s been gone now, but I’m feeling anxious. I’m trying to tell myself that there’s no way he could be purging since he didn’t eat or drink anything... God, that in itself is concerning the hell outta me! It’s sweltering hot out and he hasn’t drank anything! I know he’s in a way better place physically than he has been, but his body is still probably repairing from everything that he’s put it through... Can it even handle these drastic temperatures?! He probably still has his fuckin’ jacket on!

Does he even know his way around this city?! How the hell is he getting around if he’s dissociating? He didn’t say he was, but I could tell by the way he was acting that he probably isn’t fully present in the head, and that scares me. Crowds scare him, and he’s all alone right now... What the fuck is he even doing?!

My mind has been going a mile a minute since he ran out of the voodoo shop. I’ve been trying to distract myself by catching more colorful beads and buldoons. It only helps so much, though. Don’t get me wrong, I fuckin’ love this, but I care about James with my whole heart and soul, so now that I’m worried about him, I can’t put my focus into anything else fully.

Nikki knows I’m anxious because he told me that he would start looking for James. That’s why I’m alone right now... I’m so happy that I got Nikki... He always knows what to do in these situations. I don’t, and I feel like I should know how to handle them after all of this time, but I don’t. I still feel like a fuckin’ kid inside who doesn’t know how to navigate the big, complicated adult problems.

_ “LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER!” _

I’m snapped outta my thoughts by a jubilant cheer coming from the crowd of paraders. Thanks to James, now I know what that phrase means. I know I’m worried, but you know what? 

I’m still allowed to have fun, right?

_ Of course you are, doofus! James wants you to enjoy yourself! He wouldn’t want you to be sulking in worry because of his actions. He wants you to be happy! He just needed some space... Go ahead, party away you fucker! _

It’s the second that thought goes through my head that I see a sign for a bar in the distance... 

_ Bourbon O Bar. _

A smirk forms upon my lips and I suddenly feel a sense of contemplation.

_ Drinking does sound like a good fuckin’ idea right now... _

Mardi Gras is a fuckin’ party! Practically everyone out here is fuckin’ drunk, so why shouldn’t I join them? It’ll ease my anxiety and it’ll make things more fun! Who am I kidding?! Fuck it! Nikki’s not here right now so he can’t try to be all  _ dad-like  _ on me... I’m fuckin’ doin’ it!

_ Fuck what people think! _

I slowly start to make my way inside the building. The walls are wooden and dark, but there are neon lights shining all around. I’m immediately met with a crowd of people, and have to gently push my way past the mob to get to the bartender. I feel a rush of exciting adrenaline right now.

_ “Hey! Where y’at?” _

The dude is greeting me with a huge smile on his face. He has about twenty beaded necklaces on, and he’s wearing black sunglasses.

I remember reading online that New Orleans lingo is like a whole other language. Apparently “where y’at” means “how are you?” Thank god I know that, or else I would be making a huge fool outta myself right now.

“Fuckin’ awesome!”

I return the huge smile as I gaze up at the written menu above the bar. I don’t even hesitate before I shoot out my order with a tone of exuberance in my voice.

_ “Two Sazerac please.” _

It’s the official drink of New Orleans... I gotta do it!

I get the drinks within a minute, and the second that I do, I chug them both down without hesitation. The saying is, “go big or go home, right?” A buzz immediately hits me, and I don’t feel anything but satisfaction, as I thank the bartender and make my way back to the crowded street.

The street sign reads  _ Bourbon Street _ , and for some reason, I feel a burst of giddiness fill my body. I know exactly what bourbon street is known for... I’ve been waiting the whole fuckin’ day for this—

_ “Throw me somethin’ mista!” _

I hear a loud scream coming from a woman, and suddenly a ton of colorful beads are thrown across the street. I snap my head around to where I heard the noise come from, and that’s when I see it... on top of the black, gothic, rustic balcony of the buildings above me.

_ Juicy tits. _

An exhilarating rush shoots through my whole body, as I stare mesmerized at the women hanging off of the balconies. They’re covered in beads but those breasts look so appealing right now. I catch one of them winking at me, and I don’t hesitate to return the gesture. I feel like a salivating puppy right now... Instead of a bone in front of me, I got these wonderful fuckin’ creations.

The longer that I stare at them, the faster they shake their coconuts at me, and oh  _ goddd... How the fuck can I resist right now?! _

It doesn’t take me a second to start throwing my own Mardi Gras beads at them. I feel like I’m in a dreamy, horny, daze. Every fuckin’ woman up there is screeching and dancing to the jubilant music... I can’t take my eyes off of them. I continue catching beads and throwing them up in the air. Their moves are seductive and sensual, and fuck... I need a distraction.

_ This is a good one. _

~ ~ ~ 

**JAMES’S POV:**

I have no fuckin’ idea where I am right now or how long I’ve been floating through the crowded city streets. I just know that I couldn’t handle being in that crowded voodoo shop. It’s not anyone’s fault but mine right now... DJ and Nikki didn’t do anything wrong. I just can’t handle being this overwhelmed in a public setting. 

Seeing that fan really freaked me the fuck out and now I can’t get out of my panic ridden head. Everything is completely escalated, yet I know I’m disconnecting. I'm totally drifting off into another dimension and that’s what scares me the most. I don’t know my way around New Orleans to begin with, but now that I can hardly read any signs clearly, I  _ really _ don’t know where the fuck I am.

My perception of time completely disappears when I’m in states like this... I could have been out here for hours and I wouldn’t fuckin’ know... I feel overstimulated by the crowds around me and I wish I didn’t feel the bodies rubbing against me. The loud music is blaring but it sounds fogged at the same time. 

I feel fuckin’ sick... I still have my jacket on because I’m feeling even more vulnerable than I have the whole day... I’m sweating bullets and the heat feels like it’s choking me. My whole body feels like it’s squeezing me and I can’t breathe the right way. Every step that I take feels like hell... I feel like I’m floating in the clouds, but it’s not in a peaceful, dreamlike way. 

This is terrifying  _ disorientation. _

My body is shaking and my heart is beating outta my chest, but I feel separated from reality in a fucked up way. I’m here but I’m not... My body is here but my mind is stuck in another world... I know it’s my brain’s way of trying to keep me safe and protect me, but I’m not feeling safe at all right now!

In fact, I’m feeling so  _ scared  _ and  _ lost  _ and  _ alone. _

I’m still terrified that all of these people know who I am and that they recognize me. If they recognize me, are they wondering what the hell is wrong with me right now? Are they staring at me? Are they looking at my body? Are they gonna start talking to me?

_ Please god no no no no no I can’t have any more people come up to me. I already had that one dude do it and I had to stand there pretending that I was fine and totally not shitting myself out of pure uneasiness. I can’t do this! I can’t do this! I can’t fuckin’ do this—- _

I’m walking faster now but I still don’t know where the hell I’m going. I can’t stop myself from flinching now whenever someone touches me but everyone is moving so fast so they probably can’t even notice. It doesn’t make me feel better though... I feel so exposed and raw. 

I keep shutting my eyes but then reopening them as a way to snap myself out of this but it’s not working. I can’t help but feel such intense anger at myself for deciding to come here.

Why the FUCK did I choose to come here?!

I could have saved myself from having an anxiety attack if I just stayed in the freakin’ hotel and isolated myself. I could have protected myself from all of these scary feelings if I blocked the world out, but no! I said YES and now look at what’s happening!

I’m such a  _ pathetic fucked up piece of shit! _

I keep on getting beads thrown at me and I should be happy about it since that’s what Mardi Gras is about, but I can’t! I can’t stand feeling everything touch me! Even the beads that I’m wearing feel like they’re weighing me down and twisting my body up.

I want to rip off my skin. I can’t do this! I can’t DO THIS!

_ Get it off of me! GET IT OFF OF ME! I DON’T WANT THIS BODY! I DON’T WANT TO BE CONNECTED TO IT! I DON’T WANT IT TO BE PART OF ME! I’M SICK OF FEELING FUCKIN TRAPPED IN IT!  _

_ LET ME ESCAPE IT! _

_ PLEASE... _

_ I’m BEGGING you— _

The desperate screams in my head are just blending in with all of the other noises around me. Everything is jumbling together and I feel like I’m going fuckin’ insane. This is too much... This is TOO MUCH.

My whole body is stiff and my shoulders are tense. I don’t know how I’m still moving when I feel like I’m about to jump into a tight ball and break down. My arms are wrapped around myself as I maneuver my way through the tons of people around me. I wish I could fuckin’ hide... I don’t want to be seen right now.

I want to  _ disappear _ because that’s what feels  _ safe _ ...

~ ~ ~ 

**DJ’s POV:**

My god, I don’t regret my decision of coming here one fuckin’ bit! This is the best freakin’ day ever.

I don’t know how much I’ve actually drank now, but alcohol really brings out the best in me, man... I don’t know why but whenever I drink, I get fuckin’ horny. I can’t really help it... Alright, I was already excited before because I knew I would see all these hot chicks here but  _ fuck...  _ This is on a whole new level...

I have no fuckin’ clue where Nikki is or how much time has passed since I’ve seen him, but does it matter right now?! I’ve been dancing with these ladies and throwing beads at them for the longest time, and I have no intentions of stopping! I’m pretty sure they’re enjoying it as much as I am... Trust me, I would stop if I didn’t think they were comfortable, but from the looks of it, they’re comfortable...

They’re  _ very  _ comfortable.

“Ohhh yeah, baby... Gimme those juicy tits—“

I can hardly hear myself over the screams and cheers of the crowds on the street, but the woman I’m with does. She  _ definitely  _ does because her coconuts are in full view of me right now... God, it’s like they’re just  _ asking  _ for it.

“You want those beads? I’ll give ya my beads...”

The woman sticks out her tongue like a hungry dog as I dangle some of my beads over her mouth. She grinds against me as I rub my hands over her bare-less torso. 

“You like that, baby...” My alcohol laced breath is in her face, and I feel her breasts pressing against my body. My hand travels down to her ass. God bless booty shorts.

_ God bless. _

My body tingles in exhilaration as I feel the woman give a little love bite. I squeeze her firm peach cheeks in return.

“DJ?”

I don’t even hear Nikki’s voice until I feel my body being pulled off of the woman. I’m honestly too drunk to even fight back right now. I’m horny and happy. 

“Ohhh... Hey man!”

I wiggle my eyebrows at him, as I feel a woman’s hand grab more of my beads. I let her take ‘em, as Nikki stares at me.

“I was wonderin’ where ya were—-“

_ “Seriously?” _

The look on his face is a mixture of disbelief and amusement. As much as Nikki likes to be the serious  _ dad _ , I know he fuckin’ loves my antics! He can’t even lie about it.

I can’t keep myself from laughing and my face feels flushed, but I know that’s from the alcohol. I smirk at Nikki.

“What?!” I do my best to feign a confused expression, but it’s hard because I can’t control my laughter. “They fuckin’ liked it!”

“That’s great, DJ, but we kinda have a little issue on our hands, alright?”

“Hm?”

That’s when I suddenly remember that James still hasn’t come back. I would normally be extremely nervous about this, but the alcohol has me in such a good fuckin’ mood right now that I feel way more carefree than I should.

“Ohhhhh... Oh yeahhhh...” I nod my head slowly as more women rub against me. I feel rushes of ecstasy every time their breasts make contact with me. “Don’t worry, he’ll come back soon—“

Through the loud screams and roars of the parade goers, I can still make out Nikki’s slightly skeptical tone of voice. His eyes are narrowed.

“You’re fuckin’  _ drunk _ , aren’t you?”

A huge smirk spreads across my face, and I wiggle my eyebrows at him again out of pure amusement.

“Me? Drunk?” I shake my head and laugh. “Noooooo....”

I know Nikki doesn’t believe me at all, and that’s just making me giggle even more. Everything feels so  _ good  _ right now.

“I’m just in a great fuckin’ mood right now! Look at all these  _ coconuts—“ _

I don’t have much perception of how loud my voice is, until Nikki gently covers my mouth. I bite his hand and just laugh, as he lets go to flick me in the head.

“Ow! That hurt, you mothafucka’!”

I feign pain but I’m doing a horrible job, since I keep on giggling. My face is probably as red as a tomato right now and I wouldn’t even freakin’ know. Nikki is shaking his head at me and I can’t tell if he wants to smack, yell, or laugh at me more. Maybe a mix of all three.

“You can still have your fun but we gotta look for James, alright? I couldn’t find him when I searched, but maybe you’ll do a better job...”

I’m trying to focus on what he’s saying to me but it’s hard because I’m too sucked into my happy-go-lucky, horny dreamland. 

My vision is a little wavy so Nikki’s face in front of me looks funny. I laugh even harder. I feel tears welling in my eyes from my cackling, as I poke him in the nose.

“Gotcha nose!”

“DJ!”

I raise my eyebrows once more and wiggle them, as I grin at Nikki with a seductive expression.

“Yessssss?”

“We’re gonna go find James, okay?” 

I can feel my body getting gently dragged away from the women, and I want to protest but deep down I do care about James and I’m worried.

“Okayyyyy....” 

My voice sounds floaty, but I’m suddenly feeling weirdly determined.

“Let’s find  _ James.” _

~ ~ ~ 

**JAMES’S POV:**

I never thought that I would be spending my day this way... Trying to find my way out of a fuckin’ maze... That’s what this feels like right now. I’ve probably travelled to the deep end of this freakin’ city and I wouldn’t even know.

I can’t help but wonder what DJ is doing right now. He’s probably just enjoying himself like the  _ normal  _ person he is. He’s probably getting excited over all of the fuckin’ topless women that he wanted to see so badly... The only reason that I know I’m in the  _ Vieux Carre’  _ is because that’s what I see...  _ Topless women. _

They’re flashing themselves for the Mardi Gras beads... It’s what happens on Bourbon Street...

I can’t even pay full attention to the beautiful architecture around me because I’m still so freaked out. In fact, I feel physically sick now... I felt bad before but now I’ve gone even longer without eating or drinking and it’s definitely getting to me. I feel lightheaded, my breaths are still fast, and my head is pounding. I’m still sweating, my clothes are still suffocating me, and I still don’t feel safe enough to try to find where DJ and Nikki are...

I feel incredibly exposed and everything inside of me still feels unsafe. I need to get myself together or else today can end very badly and  _ please _ god... I just want to make it back to the fuckin’ hotel in one piece...

_ Alive. _

I can vaguely make out a sign on a building that reads  _ Cafe Beignet _ . Maybe they have a bathroom that I can lock myself in until I get a grip...

I somehow get my body to move by the door. The place looks crowded as shit... Of  _ course. _ My heart is racing with panic but I’m so desperate... I don’t care if I have to get past these people in order to hide. I’ll fuckin’ do it.

I’ll do  _ anything. _

I push any hesitancy that I feel away, as I force myself to step in front of the door and pull it open. My hands are shaking with anxiety and my body is sweltering. I shut my eyes for a second to try to build up the courage to look and act as normal as possible, even though I know that’s not gonna work.

How the fuck can it?

I snap my eyes back open, and take the first step. The second that I walk in, I’m immediately bombarded with smiling faces, enthusiastic shouts, and  _ topless women.  _ I don’t even have a moment to breathe before I’m suffocated by questions.

_ “Where y’at?” _

_ “What can I get ya?” _

_ “Happy Mardi Gras!” _

_ “LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER—“ _

My body freezes up and I’m feeling so panicked. It’s just a fuckin’ coffee shop but I feel like I’m in a torture chamber. I do everything in my power to open my mouth to force words out. They sound small and strained.

“Bathroom?”

My eyes are wide but thank god no one can see that since I have my sunglasses. I can hardly hear what anyone is saying because of all the screaming but eventually I make out a piercing voice in the middle of the crowd.

“All the way down, to your left!”

A slight sense of relief immediately washes over me, as I give a quick head nod, even though I have no idea who said that. I maneuver my way through the shop, but not without being rubbed against by bare breasts and beaded necklaces. 

_ Please just stop touching me... Stop touching me... Stop touching me.... STOP TOUCHING ME— _

I flinch at the close contact, but I still force myself to move through despite the panicked cries in my head.

_ I don’t want to feel my body, I don’t want to feel my body, I don’t want to feel my body, I don’t want to feel my body, I don’t want to feel my body— _

I don’t even realize that I’ve made it to the bathroom until I hear a toilet flush. I run straight to the first open stall that I see, shut the door, and let my body crumble to the floor in a tight, protective ball.

This is what I have to do right now... Everything is too much and I just need to hide like this. Tears are dripping down my face but I don’t even care. No one can see me... They can’t get in... They can’t get in... They can’t get in...

It doesn’t even take a second before the voices in my head start screaming at me. I can’t stop them. Even though I’m hidden in a tight corner now, I still don’t feel right! 

_ I don’t feel right, I don’t feel right, I don’t feel right, I don’t feel right... _

_ You’re okay, James.... Just breathe... You’re okay... _

_ No I’m not! I can’t fuckin’ breathe! My body is squeezing me! Everyone here recognizes me! I don’t want to be seen right now! I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE GET ME AWAY HELP ME— _

_ Let’s just focus on grounding right now, okay... Feel the cold water on your face... Take some breaths... Everything’s okay... Nothings happening to you... You’re okay... _

I don’t even realize that I’m in front of a sink now until I feel ice cold water splashing me. The sensation is easing me a bit, and it’s helping the suffocated feeling... My vision is still blurred but I can tell that I’m the only one in the bathroom now... That’s giving me a slight sense of security.

_ No one’s here, alright... You don’t need to be scared, James. You’re just having a rough day and that’s okay, but keep breathing...  _

~ ~ ~ 

**NIKKI’s POV:**

I only have one sentence to say:

_ What the hell did I get myself into? _

I love DJ to death, but I gotta admit that I’m feeling just  _ slightly  _ humiliated at the way he’s acting right now. I have no freakin’ clue how much he drank when I was trying to look for James, but the guy is plastered. He must have taken shots at the bar and kept coming back for more.

He agreed to help me search for James, but the way he’s goin’ about it is  _ not  _ what I was thinking of when I said  _ search. _

The two of us have been walking past tons of little shops, and every time DJ peeks his head into one, he screams. He’s so fuckin’ drunk right now and I don’t know if he’s even aware of how loud he’s being. I hate to be this person, but I’m almost trying to fool myself into believing that I don’t know DJ... If anyone comes up to me and asks if I know about his  _ criminal record  _ or history of  _ sexual misconduct _ , I’m just gonna walk away... Walk away or shake my head in disbelief.

It’s not helping that the streets are still crowded with a ton of half-naked women. That’s the reason why DJ is so hyped up in the first place. He was horny just from  _ thinking  _ about the tits, but now that he’s drunk and in close contact with them, it’s a whole different story. Almost every time we walk into a store or restaurant, we’re met with a ton of women... DJ screams for James, but then gets distracted by the ladies. The next thing I know, he’s fuckin’ grinding against them.

I swear on my life, if either one of us gets arrested or charged for this shit... 

My criminal record is far gone. My days of rowdy partying and inebriation are over.

I’m not too familiar with New Orleans, so I’m not exactly sure where we are in terms of geography, but the fact that we’re still surrounded by flashing girls means we’re definitely in the French Quarter... We must still be on Bourbon Street.

DJ is full of drunken energy, and every time someone throws beads at him, he gets excited because he knows that’s what the ladies want... In fact, he’s throwing them to a pretty brunette off the balcony of a building right now. She’s shaking her bare breasts at DJ and I want to roll my eyes.

He’s having the time of his life right now, but we really gotta find James. I’m concerned about him. He’s been gone for a really long time, and I know he’s been struggling lately. He’s an adult, but I’m still allowed to worry. I know how addictions are... They sneak up on ya, especially when you force yourself out of your comfort zone.

“Ohhhhh fuck yeahhhhhhh.....”

My head shakes in embarrassment and slight amusement. There he is... Rubbing against a hot blonde with his hand squeezing her ass. The girl is practically salivating all over DJ and he’s just allowing every ounce of it to happen.

I roll my eyes and grab his arm to pull him back to the middle of the sidewalk. He’s giving me such a pouty look.

“You need a freakin’  _ babysitter _ ...” I can’t hide the slight laugh in my voice, but then I get back to business. I grab his shoulders so he’ll look at me in the eyes. He probably can’t comprehend anything he hears because he’s wasted, so I gotta do the best I can to get him to focus.

“We’re not done lookin’ for James... Once we find him, you can play with as many women as you want, but we gotta look for him... _ now. _ ”

I feel like I’m trying to bribe a little kid, but that’s how DJ is acting right now. If he’s not gonna cooperate, I’ll have to find a sneaky way to get him to. He’s so fascinated with all the women. He’ll do what he needs to if I mention them, and by the time we find James, he probably won’t even remember a word I just told him now.

DJ doesn’t even hesitate to pull out of my grip and start peeking his head through storefronts again.

“JAMESSSSS!”

His voice is so fuckin’ loud that I can hear it through the rest of the screams on the street. 

“ARE YOU IN HEREEE?”

“DJ! Not so loud!”

I grab his hand and give him a parental hushed tone, even though part of me wants to laugh at this freakin’ situation. Everyone in the store is just staring at the two of us, and I pull DJ back to the street before anyone can say anything to us.

“Hey!”

His eyes are wide and full of adamant determination, yet he’s still giddy and giggly. 

“I just gotta make sure they hear me! What if he’s in there—“

“You don’t have to scream to the heavens! I think everyone can hear you...”. I let go of him and give him a pat on the shoulder. “I didn’t see him in there, so let’s just go into the next store, okay?”

_ “ _ Okay...  _ dad...” _

The next few minutes repeat the same cycle...  _ Walk into a store, DJ screams for James, DJ sees topless women and starts clinging to them, I drag DJ out of the store _ ...

“Oh yeah... You like that, baby? Don’t ya?”

For the  _ love of God _ ... 

I don’t even hesitate before I drag DJ out of yet  _ another  _ store because of his antics. I can’t believe how many times I’ve had to do this now... It’s getting ridiculous.

“Come on, man! Focus!”

I give DJ a playful flick in the head. If I turn my back on the guy for one second, he finds a way to get into shit.

“You can’t be grinding on every single woman that you come in contact with—“

“How can I help that, Nikki?! I’m horny as  _ fuck—“ _

The dude looks so desperate and I can’t help but laugh. I shake my head and roll my eyes at him, as I let him out of my grip.

“Thanks for the reminder...” 

I start walking again, but DJ grabs my arm and smirks.

“Oh come on, Nikki... You’re actin’ like you never used to do thissss...”

A sigh escapes my lips as I let out a light laugh. This whole situation is just forcing me to reminisce about my fucked up past. I look up at the sky, close my eyes, and take a breath before turning back to face DJ. My eyes open and I share my wisdom with him.

“I’m not a rowdy kid anymore, DJ... I’ve lived and I’ve learned...”

There are a few moments of silence... When I say silence, I mean the absence of DJ’s rowdy voice. The guy looks like he’s trying to take in what I just told him, as if it was the most complicated thing anyone has ever said.

“Okayyyy....”. 

He gives me a dazed nod, and leans his head on my shoulder like a child. I pat him in a fatherly way, as I lead the both of us further down the street, silently hoping that we will be reunited with James sooner than later.

~ ~ ~ 

**JAMES’S POV:**

After what feels like an eternity of shifting between intense panic, and dissociative numbness, I finally feel grounded enough to try to make my way back outside. I’m still in the bathroom, in front of the sink... If anyone has come in here during this shit show, I wouldn’t have known because I’ve been too stuck in my head to even realize half the shit that’s gone on.

The mirror in front of me is dirty and streaky, but I can still make out my reflection... I look pretty fuckin’  _ terrible  _ right now. 

I still have my sunglasses on, but I can see my dark circles from underneath them. My face looked flushed from the heat, but also pale at the same time. I can’t even explain it... I just know that it’s because I need to get some hydration in me... My hands are shaking, and my heart feels weird... I’m dehydrated... I  _ know  _ I’m dehydrated and that’s why I feel fuckin’ sick. I also had a freakin’ panic attack so that explains my dizziness. Hyperventilation does that to you, man.

I take a few more moments to observe myself in the mirror before I build up the courage to open the bathroom door and walk back out to the  _ Cafe. _ The smell of fresh roasted coffee and sweet beignets fill the room, and I realize that I didn’t tune into that earlier because of how high my panic was...

I  _ really  _ should drink something.

I force myself to order a cold glass of water, and immediately feel my body relax a bit once the icy liquid goes down my throat. You really don’t realize how parched you feel until you start drinking something... I needed this.

I’m just about to walk over to the trash can to recycle the bottle, but a booming slurred voice catches my attention before I can.

_ “THERE HE ISSSSS!” _

I immediately snap my head around to the front door, and feel an immediate sense of relief when I see DJ stumbling into the room. I only need to take one look at him to know for a fact that he’s fuckin’  _ wasted _ . Nikki is trailing behind him. He looks like an embarrassed father.

“Oh, thank god... You’re  _ aliveee!” _

DJ is up in my face and I can smell the liquor on his breath. He’s acting awfully affectionate right now, and I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not slightly uncomfortable. I know it’s just DJ, but still... the touch... Just... No.

Luckily, Nikki gently pulls him off of me. DJ doesn’t seem too fazed about it, which eases my tension. I can’t help but giggle at him and shake my head. 

“DJ...” My eyebrows raise, as I roll my eyes from under my sunglasses. “Are you... drunk?”

_ “Whatttttt? Meeee?”  _ He lets out a giddy laugh and gives me a look as if he’s a child who’s trying to hide the fact that he did something bad. “ _ Nahhhhh...” _

I bite my lip and smirk, while shaking my head. “Yeah... Not buyin’ that buddy...”

I slowly maneuver my way over to the garbage can to throw my water bottle away, but DJ grabs the back of my shirt. He’s literally tugging on it like a fuckin’ child, and I’m just standing here not knowing what the hell I’m supposed to do. I can’t even ask him a question before he starts running his mouth in an intensely exuberant, slurred voice. 

“Dude, you should see all the fuckin’  _ tits out ther—“ _

His words are cut off by Nikki covering his mouth, and I swear to god, I see his face flushing. When Nikki’s embarrassed, something really outrageous must be going on.

“ _D_ _ J... Not here—“ _

This is giving me total Deja vu to when DJ called Nicole a stripper during Family Weekend... I can’t do anything but just shake my head in amusement, as I begin walking to the door.

“You are  _ no  _ fun,  _ DAD!” _

“I told ya, buddy... I’ve lived and I’ve learned... I’m not a rowdy party animal any-more, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t have fun.”

Nikki is practically restraining DJ, and I can see why. The  _ banquette  _ is filled with half naked women and DJ looks like he’s salivating. I don’t even want to know what the hell went on when I was gone.

The fresh air actually feels very grounding, now that I’m back outside after being locked in a stuffy bathroom for god knows how long. The temperature cooled down from earlier, so I slowly put my jacket back on, and close my eyes for a moment.

“Man... What I’d do to grind on  _ that...” _

I snap my eyes open at DJ’s sensual voice. Nikki is rolling his eyes at him, but honestly, I can’t even help but laugh right now. I shake my head.

_ “Beaucoup crasseux.” _

The words slip from my tongue naturally, and I’m not even pretending that I don’t see DJ giving me a very confused look. Confusion mixed with mesmerization. I know he loves when I speak French. I look down and laugh to myself, knowing very well what I just said.

“What does  _ thatttt  _ mean?”

“It means  _ very dirty _ ...” I eye DJ and smirk at him, pointing to his head. “Like your freakin’ mind.”

He stares blankly at me for a few moments, but then immediately lets out a loud cackle. I smile and put my arm around him, while giving his Mohawk a friendly ruffle. 

Before I know it, Nikki has his arms wrapped around both of us. He’s giving us fatherly looks, and I already know he means business.

“Now that we’re all reunited,  _ you  _ need to eat something...” He immediately looks at me, and I feel a very uneasy chill up my spine, but I nod my head in agreement.

“And  _ you _ ...” He stares at DJ and shakes his head. “You need to go in freakin’  _ time out.” _

“Lets get outta here.” 

~ ~ ~ 

**_Two hours later:_ **

Well... We made it back to our hotel in one piece. All I can say is, what a  _ fuckin’ _ day.

I’m not gonna lie and say that I was thrilled when Nikki had to practically force me to eat something when we got back here. I wasn’t, but I know that I did the right thing. I’m feeling a lot better physically than I did earlier now that my body isn’t running on empty, and my anxiety is actually lower... Sometimes I forget that starvation affects moods and makes anxiety worse.

My body dysmorphia is still kinda bad, but it’s a lot better than earlier now that I’m able to cover up in a protective blanket. It’s not sweltering in the hotel, so I can wear my layers. I also don’t need to worry about being suffocated by crowds right now... That is, until tomorrow’s show, at least. 

_ Let’s focus on right now, James... You don’t need to jump into the future. The present moment is what’s important. _

I’m smiling at DJ right now. He’s still drunk but not as drunk as before. He’s more coherent now, and there’s no naked women here that he can grind on. I can’t believe the guy... He’s a  _ trip. _

The whole hotel room is covered in colored beads, buldoons, boas, toys, trinkets, and stuffed animals. DJ caught a ton of  _ throws  _ during the parade and he insisted that we keep all of them for memories. I wasn’t gonna argue with him. I think it’s a good reminder of the fun times, even if I panicked through so much of it.

DJ also insisted that we buy King Cake and eat it together here. Apparently that’s a traditional Mardi Gras dessert. The cake is made of sweet roll dough, and it’s covered in a white glaze. The glaze is then sprinkled with purple, green, and gold sanding sugars. 

The catch with this cake is that somewhere hidden inside is a plastic baby. The tradition is that whoever gets the piece of cake with the toy inside is supposed to get good luck and prosperity for the whole year.

That’s where Nikki is right now... He didn’t trust DJ to go out and buy the cake so he went himself. I don’t blame him on that one... Not one bit.

“Alright you stinkers! Here’s your cake!”

I jump up at Nikki’s voice. I must have spaced out because I didn’t even realize he’s been back. I wrap my blanket tighter around me, as Nikki places the cake on the coffee table in front of me. DJ is already eyeing the thing like a salivating dog... Just like the way he probably stared at all of the women.

“Oh  _ fuck yeaaaaah! _ ”

He’s already digging into his piece that Nikki cut for him. Nothing he does fazes me anymore. I chuckle at his childlike exuberance, as I stare at the piece of cake in front of me. I wish I was comfortable enough to just start eating it like Nikki and DJ are, just right now... I just... I don’t know if I can...

“You don’t have to have any if you don’t feel like you can right now, James.”

I blink a few times, as I lift my head up towards Nikki’s voice. He’s giving me an understanding look and I feel him squeeze my shoulder. It’s like he read my mind.

I don’t want to let him and DJ down, especially since I probably did enough of that today. At the same time, I don’t feel like I’m in the mind-space where eating cake is the best thing for me right now. I shrug my shoulders and start moving the piece around with my fork anyway.

_ You’re such a pathetic piece of shit... Look at you, being fuckin’ abnormal. Why can’t you just act like a person who’s put together for once?  _

My mind is already shooting cruel things at me, but what am I supposed to do about it? I’m fuckin’ used to it.

I don’t even know how long I’ve been playing with the cake, but DJ and Nikki are finished with theirs now. I feel like I’m just disconnecting from everything right now because I’m emotionally drained. Today was exhausting and it’s all hitting me now.

“NO WAYYYY—-“

DJ’s excited voice snaps me out of my trance. I look up to see him giving me an excited expression. He’s pointing to my piece of cake.

“You got the baby!”

“What?”

My eyes shoot towards my plate and that’s when I see the plastic baby figurine peeking out of my dismantled cake square. I furrow my brows.

“That’s funny... I didn’t even realize that—“

I can’t help but feel slight embarrassment because I really didn’t know... When I dissociate, I’m not aware of half the things that go on around me. I smile anyway.

“Well, you know what that means, don’t ya?!”

DJ is pumping with excitement, as he runs over to where his pile of colored beads are and grabs a huge handful of them. He bounces right back to me.

“You’re the  _ king  _ for the day!”

I can’t even stop him before he puts six necklaces around my neck. He squeezes me into a tight hug, as he starts rambling.

“Didn’t have a crown so the beads have to do, and plus, they were blessed by  _ allllll  _ of the topless women—“

As much as I want to pull away from him, I don’t. I let my exhausted body lean into the touch, and I could swear I feel a tear threatening to drip down my face. I’m smiling at DJ’s goofiness and feeling emotional at the same time.

Today was really tough, but I got through it, and I’m here with my two rocks... They keep proving to me over and over that they’ll never leave me, as much as I convince myself that they will... They won’t.

If the symbolism of the hidden plastic baby is true, maybe things won’t be so bad after all.

Maybe my future  _ does  _ hold luck and prosperity...


End file.
